The Eye Palette Personality Decoder

So I wrote an episode of Black Mirror for you. (Or perhaps extra like Goosebumps.) A lady on the verge of 30 wakes up each morning and swipes some eyeshadow throughout her lids from a palette she purchased from a fortune teller in a boxcar on 14th Street. But the factor is, whichever coloration she chooses—and this can be a BIG palette—transforms her into the embodiment of the colour’s title. Liar, an all-purpose dusty rose, will get her arrested for perjury and despatched to federal jail in Pensacola. Sauced, a light-weight sienna red-brown ends in a suburban Starbucks, which she’s drunkenly crashed her Honda CRV into at Three AM. Powdery white “Ounce” properly…these items write themselves, actually.

Because these items, these dear magnetic plastic containers of glittery mud, maintain an entire vary of human emotion. Who am I? Am I ready-for-anything Naked2 or down-to-fuck-with-euphemisms Naked3? Am I candy and punny Chocolate Bar? Can I establish in any respect with the vivid reds of velvet-wrapped Modern Renaissance? Am I cool (and wealthy) sufficient for Mothership IV? If you’ve ever tried to search out your self in a palette and gotten misplaced, allow us to provide help to discover the one, for you’re mud, and to mud you shall return.

For the Reliable Narrator

Nothing says nothing like 12 shades of rose gold. Every time the Everlane publication hits your inbox, your coronary heart skips a beat. We maintain these truths to be self-evident: pink is a impartial, wedges deserve a comeback. Hobbies embrace: hating issues silently, tequila sodas, and sleeping in till eight on the weekends. You really feel somewhat soiled each time you employ Trick and haven’t been out late sufficient to check out Darkside however you’re pleased to have the choice. Urban Decay’s Naked3 is there for you, like a light-weight cardigan on the again of your workplace chair.

For the 600-Page Fantasy Novel Reader

Every shade of your medieval desires is right here—from shimmery gold Primavera to deep magenta Love Letter, which might match your silken faire robes completely. You’ll contemplate naming your subsequent cat son Realgar after the extremely pigmented brick orange. A Knight’s Tale performs within the background (as a result of it’s at all times on TBS), the scent of turkey legs is within the air, and Anastasia’s Modern Renaissance is healthier than any fortune informed in a damp tent.

For the Sweetest Tooth

You are TOO candy, one that at all times brings mini cupcakes in your coworker’s birthdays, although Karen can’t have sugar and no person sings anymore. This scrumptious brown-ie palette actually incorporates cocoa powder, and due to this fact smells like Nesquick in a nice, kind of complicated manner. When the waiter asks should you’d prefer to see the dessert menu, wave him away—simply ship one in every of every, my good man! Your dentist has given up. Too Faced’s Chocolate Bar by no means melts. Semi-sweet is your all-over-lid shadow, like a Trader Joe’s darkish chocolate peanut butter cup in your purse pocket.

For the Up-All-Night Karaoke Slayer

Remember when individuals thought leather-based leggings have been for night time time solely? You definitely don’t. The final time you wore garments to mattress was 2005. You have an enormous assortment of incense that you simply burn in response to your temper, which ranges from burning ardour to burning rage. It’s superb the place hasn’t burned down, tbh. Urban Decay’s Naked Heat embodies your soul simply as Doc Martens do. You put on Ember to karaoke and Scorched to church, since you may see that scorching priest at both. Nothing has stopped you from dashing by way of a yellow gentle, which is how you bought generally known as the Squirrel Killer.

For the Unboxing Video Addict

You have “web” buddies and a trigger-finger for all issues pre-order, limited-edition, and unique partnerships. Sometimes you sit again and surprise: Where is all the nice lighting? Concentrated pigments are as essential to you as arriving in all places exactly 12 minutes late. NARSissist Wanted will fulfill for wants. Sometimes you submit images of your face on Instagram. Sometimes you confess into the digital camera late at night time issues individuals won’t ever hear. You don’t submit these.

For the Contour Queen

When it got here to coloring inside the traces, you probably did that after which some—you have been boldly outlining and shading with the white crayon at an eighth grade degree whereas nonetheless in velcro footwear. With Kat Von D’s Shade + Light, your face has a lot dimension that folks get misplaced in it, just like the Matrix. You’ve used the phrase “chiseling” when referring to placing make-up on, it’s kind of intense however what was Michelangelo doing up in that ceiling? Coloring muscular angel thighs by numbers? IT’S ART. God, Lindsey Vonn might ski down the slopes of your cheekbones!

For the Person Who Put the Extra In Extraterrestrial

You’ve gone into minor bank card debt within the title of fashion, for which I applaud you as a result of what’s cash for if not for spending? Life is brief, drink and smoke and dip pizza in ranch dressing you stunning nincompoop! Pat McGrath Labs’s Mothership IV will indulge your jewel-toned cravings for “sensuously clean pigments” that flip your eyelids into stained glass home windows into the soul, or at the least the corneas. I’m not saying I’ve seen a UFO, however I’ve seen this palette IRL and felt issues. It will beam you as much as a better aircraft—simply have a look at Pat McGrath and inform me her expertise is of this earth.

For the Social Media Vacationer

Like ignoring the fella on the aircraft utilizing your arm relaxation, you’ll politely disregard the uncomfy Arabian-nights theme of Huda Beauty’s Desert Dusk in trade for the 18 colours of various texture and deep shades of sundown emoji. You’re beloved by all your buddies for constantly liking each single ‘gram they submit, even generally double-tapping the white display earlier than the picture hundreds. You don’t have anything however love to provide, and there’s one thing to be stated about that—even when it’s for Instagram celebrities you’ve by no means met. Blendability issues to you, although you by no means wish to mix in. Shine on. Or matte on. Or glitter on. There’s lots happening right here.

—Alex Beggs